AR Conference/Wrapping Up/Moving Forward

Wow, what a semester it has been.  I still can’t believe a year has passed since my undergraduate years at USD.  It has flown by.  I have learned and grown so much personally, professionally, academically, spiritually…the list goes on. And my courses this semester have been challenging but in the best possible way.  This program is nothing that I thought it might be.  A year ago I would have never believed I would be at the place I am right now. 

This weekend was the Action Research Conference and it was amazing to see how far everyone’s research and presentations had come.  I was so proud of all the second years that were involved.  They have been a guide throughout my time here and given me the tools to succeed in the year to come.  I am excited, a little scared, and extremely grateful for all that the second year cohort has provided and will continue to provide moving forward.  Nice work team. 

I have chosen to stay in the SLIC office next year for my graduate assistantship and have set a few goals for areas that I hope to improve on, explore and dedicate myself to in a more complete way.  I have loved my time helping with the Emerging Leaders program but this next fall I hope to give myself fully to my class and the learning that will take place.  Last year was a huge learning experience for me in all areas of my work, so now I think I will be able to expand on that first year, try new things, improve my practice and be more effective as an instructor and facilitator.   Second, as I advise different members of Associated Students I hope to provide more direction, feedback and advice.  I hope to challenge them more and be there for them more.  I think this was the one area I struggled in this past year.  And finally, as I embark on the new position of Resident Minister and SGSA rep which I am looking forward to, I hope to keep the balance I had this year between family, friends, work, and school.   Although the procrastination could ease up some in terms of schoolwork I feel that I was able to juggle the different important parts of myself in a successful way.  I hope to continue that.  This summer I will prepare, relax, take a few classes and enjoy life.

Thanks everyone for a wonderful year.  I don’t have the words to express how much you all mean to me.

J

Love and Leadership

Its Friday morning and last night was our final LandL class.  I was blown away. I entered this semester with a new understand of love because of El Salvador and I am leaving transformed by not only that experience but this Love class that I was so blessed to be apart of.  You can’t teach a feeling, but each moment in this class was a lesson in the experience of love. Love in each of our lives.  I will hold this course with me forever and will never forget the importance of love in the work that I do.  Below is a poem that was given to us in the middle of the semester.  I have carried it with me since that time and although it doesn’t deal directly with love it guides and informs who I hope to be because of this class.  Thank you Athena, Dr. Green, and all the participants for quite a journey.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble, it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Saint Paul's Church, Baltimore 1692

AR Topic

Quick update:  This last few weeks I have had a minor panic because of our action research topic that we have been developing and researching throughout this semester.  Next week I will present and I have decided to do mine on the Emerging Leaders program.  I want to explore the undergraduate instructors role, preparation, experience and feelings about the work they are doing and then hopefully make changes to the training or classroom environment to enhance the program based on their feedback.  It took me a long time to get to this topic as I was going to initially explore the relationships that graduate students maintain, how they come and continue to exist, what those relationships mean and how those all impact a student’s satisfaction with the program. I think I felt very connected to both of these topics, and although I had done research on the relationships one, I believe I will be able to improve the work that I am doing through my research on Emerging Leaders.   Now I just have to get to work and do the research, proposal and presentation.  

My Autoethnography – Dynamics of Race Gender and Culture in Higher Education

Below is part of my autoethnography.  It is a little intense but speaks to some things I feel or felt this semester that go unsaid.  This project really challenged me to look inside myself, be open and authentic.  As I type this I’m thinking that I hope nobody reads it…but if you have read to this point feel free J and enjoy.

We are light.  In the spectrum of colors that make up a rainbow we shine and create beauty.  In the difference, in the contrast, in the communion, we fill space and time.

As an integral part of that light we each come to know our role and place.  We learn and grow through others and through our experiences.  It is here that we shape our changing identities, frameworks and lenses through which we know the spectrum and the world. 

The space I fill now -

I don’t know what to do. I am nervous. Paranoid. Successful. Anxious.

I don’t like decisions or sides.

I have a need to do things right.  Never get in trouble and be liked by those around me.

I many times don’t have a voice, or can’t find it. I struggle to go deeper.  I think I am smart. But don’t push myself for fear of the unknown.  I am uncomfortable thinking of myself in all of these ways, and yet, in this moment, feel powerful. 

I am a woman; a white, young woman.  What does that mean?

I am uncomfortable studying diversity; race, gender, culture, and this bothers me. 

I am privileged, and in that, extremely grateful and lost. What do I do? How do I change, serve, help, be?  Or stop dwelling…

I struggle with the word passion.  I have a passion for much of what I have seemingly fallen into.  Most of these things fell into place because it was the easy route and something I thought could be fun, or would be good at. 

I am loved and I love. I am most happy here. It seems so simple.

I don’t want to be weak, and am concerned. I cry easily, in laughter, sadness, great joy, and suffering.  It always feels good.

I like thinking about other people, their thoughts, their beliefs, their history, and how they feel in the moments I am present. How they think and come to know.

I leave my closest friends and family behind in search of the next person to please or show off to, to make recognize or like me.  My friends and family stand by me. They are my rock, my motivation and my support.

I am lazy and usually like it.    

I am a leader and work hard to be an example. 

I have faith.  Faith in God and the common good.  The future. I have faith that people can be great, and be inspired to change.  I also believe we can always work harder, try harder, and do more.

I complain and shouldn’t.

I think of myself as simple, extremely blessed, and right even though I may be wrong.

I wonder how I got to this place.  These many sides and colors.  And when they collide, I am lost.  I wonder at the differences between me and others. 

I think about these things a lot.

Some AS learning

So a few interesting situations came up this week as my work with AS Elections continues.  These were some huge learning experiences for me and the students I work with.  This year I have been intimidated by some of the students who I don’t directly advise but see on a regular basis.  I’m not exactly sure where these feelings come from but I have become very aware of how I deal with it.  I try and become their friend…in any way I can.  I try and be nice, and give in to the pressure I feel under them, even though I am in a position of authority.    Last week however, I had to stand up and challenge their behavior, and it went surprisingly well.  They went behind my students back and got information that they shouldn’t have simply by using their position above Lauryn, the Director I advise.   Lauryn shared with me how upset she was and how hurt she felt.  After some thought I decided to speak with the others involved directly and simply have a conversation about what happened.  Long story short, after that conversation, and on their own accord the two students involved spoke to Lauryn individually, apologized and understood why she was so upset.

For me this experience showed the power of a simple and honest conversation.  I was intimidated by those students and did not want to have that conversation but it worked out so well.  I also believe that these students have gotten away with a lot because of their positions in AS and this brought them back to earth in some ways.  It challenged them to really think about had happened and why it had. 

In the future, although I will probably still be intimated by some students, I will no be scared to have some voice and stand up for the “right” thing.  This situation encouraged me to try harder and challenge students when the situation calls for it.

NASPA time!!!

Okay, so it’s been a few weeks since this trip but woooohooo, I am still excited about Student Affairs and reenergized because of my NASPA experience.  I showed up a day before the formal conference started and was able to see the tail end of the placement exchange.  What an experience that is.  I am excited and nervous about next year all at the same time.  I want to touch on a few key takeaways that I hope to hold on to and remember for next year.

1. The people are awesome.  I don’t know if it is because of the past sorority recruitment experience or what but I have learned that I love talking and getting to know people.  I made new friends, explored Philadelphia and learned so much through other strangers at the conference, on the plane, in the airport etc.  Each person sheds new light on some aspect of student affairs and it was awesome to hear their views on different things.  Moving forward to next year I hope to continue to build those experiences, meet new people, hear their stories, and find common passions.

2. Volunteer Experience/mentor thing – Okay so I volunteered at the conference for a number of different sessions and killed it.  I’m not going to lie, ask my roommates.  But similar to what I was discussing above, the interaction and experience of volunteering was so rewarding.  I got to meet a number of individuals in charge of different aspects of the conference.  I got to chat with many of the presenters, and I got to wear a very cool blue vest. I look forward to doing it next year as well.  In addition I signed up for the mentor mentee program and met a woman who has since then critiqued my resume, given advice and hopefully be a resource in the future. 

3. Sessions – Go to as many sessions as you can!  There is some need for a break at times (especially for those introverts) but every session I went to I took something from.  I tried to attend session that weren’t exactly in my comfort zone and those were even better. The conference is a time to learn and have fun and I think I was able to accomplish both.

4. Who your staying with – Roommates are key.  Thanks for to Nicky for sharing a bed with me and Sara and Christina for being great throughout. 

I am already looking forward to NASPA next year and hope my experience there will be just as wonderful as this years experience was.  

El Salvador Reflections

So it’s been a week since El Salvador.  School is starting, life is returning somewhat to the normal routine, and I am adjusting.  This week has been hard.  Hard to walk into my apartment, hard to go to the grocery store, hard to eat out, hard to be at sorority recruitment, hard to understand how I have been so blessed as to live in a country like the United States and grow up with the wonderful family I have here.  El Salvador opened my eyes to new forms of sacrifice, pain, and suffering.  It challenged me to step out live in another world.  It showed me love in the purest form and faith that can move mountains.  Below are a few of excerpts from the journal I wrote in while I was there and will continue to write in this semester as I continue to think about and process this experience.

“I just took a bucket shower, more to come on that experience. I am feeling happy, happy to be here surrounded by people who have lived and loved in the fullest form.  Their stories touch my heart and will never be forgotten.”

“The poverty, war and destruction can be seen everywhere.  It is in my mother Rita’s face…”

 “I want to kill the rosters and dogs.” (Written at 3am in the moonlight)

“What a place of peace.  Nowhere else have I ever built relationships like the ones I have made here.  Honest relationships built through conversations of strength and faith, stories of hardship and poverty but never complaining.  El Salvador is simple, and yet so extraordinary and inspiring.”

My time in El Salvador was something that I have never experienced before and will take with me forever.  It was beautiful, even in the death and destruction.  The people of El Salvador have transformed me.