My Autoethnography – Dynamics of Race Gender and Culture in Higher Education

Below is part of my autoethnography.  It is a little intense but speaks to some things I feel or felt this semester that go unsaid.  This project really challenged me to look inside myself, be open and authentic.  As I type this I’m thinking that I hope nobody reads it…but if you have read to this point feel free J and enjoy.

We are light.  In the spectrum of colors that make up a rainbow we shine and create beauty.  In the difference, in the contrast, in the communion, we fill space and time.

As an integral part of that light we each come to know our role and place.  We learn and grow through others and through our experiences.  It is here that we shape our changing identities, frameworks and lenses through which we know the spectrum and the world. 

The space I fill now -

I don’t know what to do. I am nervous. Paranoid. Successful. Anxious.

I don’t like decisions or sides.

I have a need to do things right.  Never get in trouble and be liked by those around me.

I many times don’t have a voice, or can’t find it. I struggle to go deeper.  I think I am smart. But don’t push myself for fear of the unknown.  I am uncomfortable thinking of myself in all of these ways, and yet, in this moment, feel powerful. 

I am a woman; a white, young woman.  What does that mean?

I am uncomfortable studying diversity; race, gender, culture, and this bothers me. 

I am privileged, and in that, extremely grateful and lost. What do I do? How do I change, serve, help, be?  Or stop dwelling…

I struggle with the word passion.  I have a passion for much of what I have seemingly fallen into.  Most of these things fell into place because it was the easy route and something I thought could be fun, or would be good at. 

I am loved and I love. I am most happy here. It seems so simple.

I don’t want to be weak, and am concerned. I cry easily, in laughter, sadness, great joy, and suffering.  It always feels good.

I like thinking about other people, their thoughts, their beliefs, their history, and how they feel in the moments I am present. How they think and come to know.

I leave my closest friends and family behind in search of the next person to please or show off to, to make recognize or like me.  My friends and family stand by me. They are my rock, my motivation and my support.

I am lazy and usually like it.    

I am a leader and work hard to be an example. 

I have faith.  Faith in God and the common good.  The future. I have faith that people can be great, and be inspired to change.  I also believe we can always work harder, try harder, and do more.

I complain and shouldn’t.

I think of myself as simple, extremely blessed, and right even though I may be wrong.

I wonder how I got to this place.  These many sides and colors.  And when they collide, I am lost.  I wonder at the differences between me and others. 

I think about these things a lot.